What am I missing?

SOS someone tell me what I am doing wrong here…

I’m in my young 20s, I’m ahead of the game in my career path, I’m social, I try, I love sports, I am up for anything and I would say I am pretty? I just don’t get what else I have to do to make a guy realize I could be the whole package.

I had a deep conversation with my friend (we will call her Jackie) this past weekend that made me second guess myself. Not in a bad way, but she straight up asked me…

What are you looking for?

I responded with well I want someone to love me, I want someone to want me, I want someone to hug me when I’m sad, enjoy life with me and make me laugh. Then Jackie sat there for a minute because she didn’t seem convinced.

I thought about it for a minute and DO I WANT A RELATIONSHIP? I am just not sure anymore.

I know people say “it’ll happen when you least expect it” but dude at this point I’ll be 70 and least expect it and then fucking die of a heart attack cause my heart can’t handle it anymore. LOL

I just had a fat glass of wine and I’m totally over thinking this, but like is it really just ALL about looks these days… cause that’s what I sense. I look around at all of these couples and question myself

– does this outfit make me look fat?

– Am I really that ugly?

– welp my weight is def an issue

– I am not blonde (I’m in the south fml)

I hate that because I never want to second guess myself or get down on myself like that, but I can’t help it.

What am I missing? I almost can answer that myself and it’s self love. I’ve tried to convince myself over these past couple years that I do love myself… and I just can’t be convinced anymore.

I can’t love anyone else until I learn to love myself.

My therapist once went through a technique with me and she had me look at a list of all adjectives. She read them out and I had to say YES or NO to if I feel I am that adjective. I still wasn’t honest with her. I have to be honest with myself.

Ladies out there reading this, love yourself before anyone else. Love who you are, love who you see in the mirror, love the person you aim to be and one day you will get there and when you do…. give me the secret because I got a long road to go. I’ll get there one day.

XOXO TOO INDEPENDENT

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